Does he know my name? No, he doesn’t—maybe he will never want to. Gosh, what the h*** is wrong with you, Cha? Is it really important for him to know your name?! Who do you think you are? Natalie Portman? Kate Bosworth? Mariana Renata? Je ne sais que dir anymore but “You’re pathetic!“
If I can ask many questions, it’s too many questions to ask. Why he doesn’t know my name or why we can’t have any longer time to know each other, aren’t enough. Hiks..hiks.. For all I know, the answer is “He’s not for you, dear!”
Every time I had a chance to be with him, my confidence is rapidly waning. I couldn’t muster up the courage to introduce myself to him. Believe me; nothing could be worse than the feeling of loving someone not only deeply but also secretly. Every time he was around, I immediately wish I’d brought a book or something—at least I could have looked busy and not paying full attention on him. Sometimes, I wonder what if I called him and tell him how stupid I felt when I was with him. WTH? No! You have not been that crazy, Cha!!! I cannot imagine what reaction he would give me. LOL. It is so impossible that makes me can only laugh and give a sigh to end it.
I know that everyone who hear this will—75% or maybe more—doubt me or even think that I’m reaching exaggerated proportion. But trust me; it’s absolutely true and it definitely happens! I feel happy and painful at the same time. If someone could see my distraught look right now, he/she would know that something was really wrong because I cannot pretend that I’m all right while I’m missing him so much. Once, I woke up from bed frowning about what had happened, then I said to myself :
“Oh, shoot…This is not only a story of a girl who is staring into the gorgeous eyes of the cutest boy she’s ever seen—though it really does—and falling for him right away. I feel that there’s something different on him since our first met. This is much, much, much more than that.”
Everything about him makes me so happy; everything about him makes me fallin’ deeper everyday. I couldn’t stop it—yet maybe. This feeling last longer than I thought, it becomes bigger, further, and clearer everyday. Thinking of him forces me to wake up earlier. Knowing him motivates me to strive harder. Feeling this something for him serves my life with more wonderful things. Remembering him opens my eyes wider and trains my thought wiser. His existence makes me better. I’m so thankful and grateful for each day I spent with him. Damn… Thinking of him makes me feel like nothing. I was so happy that I was on the verge of tears.
After all, I must and just realize that I’m no compare to him. Hello! He’s a third-year law student chased by women. He must be looking for a gigantic student body of babe with brain settle and fascinating look—he often made this kind of jokes, now the jokes hit me as something which is felt very true—and what would make that incredible college guy care with a complicated uncertain freshman like me? And I think he has to give a serious thought when he said that he’d really expected me to enter his faculty—though it is my prayer.
We did have few conversations and they were mean a lot for me. When I saw him sitting next to me, my heart literally skipped a beat. And when I saw his eyes staring at mine, I felt my heart becoming so low. And when I heard him talking about something that he loves, I felt myself turning so small. And when a smile shaped well in his face, I felt my lungs no longer helping me breathing. Once, he looked at me, and at that time, he took me in for what seems like an eternity. Every time he revealed sth about himself, I liked him more. I knew that I was so fluster every time he stared, convincing that I listened carefully to what he said. Sometimes, my mind whirled when he was laughing at himself for what he’d just told me. The last thing I wanted to do was arousing his mind because of my astonishment. What if he thought that I have some fascination for him? I am sure it was really not as important to him as he believes. What I am sure of is that he is kind and thoughtful, he adores his major, he loves what he learns, and he looked absolutely stunning by describing that.
He ever taught me twice—three times exactly—it was really hard for me to pay attention to his explanation when I was distracted by his presence. So I forced myself to push these thoughts and concentrated. I know he’s out of my reach, though so, I was truly happy just being able to see him or listen about him from my friends all these times. C’est agréable, si je peux bavarder avec son. ;p
I never thought I’ve got this far. I wish I could go brag the world about him. I want to tell everyone about the perfect guy I’ve met. But I’ve already decided it’s too risky to tell my friends about him. Maybe I do tell few of them (Citra, maybe you're the only one who really2 knows...) Because of some reasons.
I have a friend who—maybe—feels the same way as I do for him. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with her. She doesn’t know that I’m falling for him this much. I even let her tells—describes—me about what she feels for him. She does cherish him as I do. She even seems know more about him than I do. And I think he also knows her—at least he knows her name. I don’t know if they spent so many times together that they’ve already known each other—sth like hope that never happened to me—or what, but I merely felt like an outsider by seeing them. I’m not jealous—I don’t even know what that word means—but there’s sth inside of me crying endlessly. I know I can’t keep my feeling up from her. One by one, I have to tell her what I really feel. I have to redden and rack my brain for so many plausible reasons that she’ll believe that I don’t have any atroce reason with not telling her from the beginning. She never exasperates me at all; maybe I do if I tell her. I just thought that any chances I would tell her had been shot because I’d let her know that I was only a huge fan of him. Why? Because—at least—there would be no delusion that I was never like him. I knew if I were just able to be honest, to tell her what was I really feel I could try to illuminate the situation. But the risk of harming our friendship was too great. In my heart, I couldn’t bear to lose her. At that time, I was already reluctant to tell her for other reasons. The weird thing is that I do feel like I fit in with her (as a friend of course) day by day. I don’t have any power that can help me telling the truth. I don’t wanna lose her—for many reasons I have to think of that reasonably chance.
I’ve been falling for a man whom I shouldn’t fall for. I have been admiring a guy who never really know who I am or even realize that I’m exist. Could it be worse?
Enfin et surtout, that guy is l’homme que j’aime although he’s just too good to be true…
May the force be with me ;c
,,IchaLuvHimTruly,,
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