Just tell me how and show me the way...

20 Oktober 2006

Akhiiiirnya…Lega banget bisa cerita sama Shamien n Widi tentang semua yang selama ini belom pernah gw ceritain to any persons in this new world. So glad to be open…fiuh! Bener kata V3, gw emang harus lebih terbuka sama orang n try to share what I feel and through. Hasilnya? Gw bener2 ngerasa ter-back-up oleh mereka ;) (Thanks girls…LUSM!!!) Sebenernya gw masih agak canggung cerita sama mereka yang keitung belom lama gw kenal, (yang pada akhirnya gw nyuruh mereka baca blog baru gw ;p) tapi ternyata mereka nggak keberatan dengan cara gw.

Well,finally I have to confess that I’m afraid other people see, know, get , and even care about the pain that I feel, the tears that fall from my eyes, or sorrows that often hold me tight. I don’t know the reason of my fear, all I know is I don’t want to let them feel my pain while they have their own. Some kinda’selfish maybe but I’m truly do—though I have t hrought it all alone –believe me, it’s killing me so bad. Sekarang setelah bisa cerita sama mereka berdua, nggak tau gimana, gw ngerasa tenang abis. Teorinya sih seenggaknya ada dua manusia—yang relatif sama-sama terus sama gw—who know the reason of my fear. Yawh, emang siyh nggak gitu aja ngerti setelah baca blog gw yang alhasil malah bikin mereka nangis—sorry girls—masih harus gw tambahin beberapa explanation. But, the important thing is gw ngerasa nyaman banget bisa cerita ke mereka.

Seenggaknya mereka nggak akan salah sangka kalo gw melakukan hal-hal yang berdasarkan alasan itu. Shamien n Widi bener, sekarang bukan masalah sampe kapan gw bisa ngelupain semua itu, bukan masalah setegar apa gw bisa menghadapi masalah itu sendirian, tapi masalahnya gimana gw akan surviving my ife after that scariest-unfair-gloomy-day. Actually, I don’t know and I don’t have the answer until today. Banyak yang bilang, gw harus ‘buka hati’. What kind of brillian answer, right?! Buka hati…buka hati,,HOW?! Is there anyone who could tell me the way or show me how or teach me to do so???!!!

Gini aja deh, pertama kali ya gw coba buka hati gw—3 years ago, someone broke my heart so bad and made me have a wrong thought that my heart couldn’t endure another knock—tapi ternyata truly-knock itu sekarang pergi…nggak ada di sini… Dia pergi ninggalin gw selama-lamanya, dia pergi karena nggak tahan sama gw yang jalan sambil mengasihani diri gw gara-gara 3 years of non-sense waiting, dia capek selalu ada dalam ketidakpastian yang gw ciptain, dia muak sama gw yang nggak pernah berusaha ngelupain hal2 yang udah SEPANTESNYA gw lupain—bahkan buang jauh2 dari hidup gw, dan akhirnya dia nyerah…nyerah sama dirinya sendiri, nyerah sama gw, nyerah sama yang namanya n..a..r..k..o..b..a.. I SWEAR TO GOD, gw kutuk tuh barang…

Waktu kedua kalinya gw SOK NGERASA BISA untuk ngebuka hati gw to someone who actually never really knock my door,, yang gw rasain malah HOPELESS…Dan ujung-ujungnya gw malah ngerasa NOT DESERVE and I hate that feeling…N setelah gw sadar, ternyata I don’t even let him have any chance to come or even knock… It has nothing to do about my hypochondria, or my as*hole ex-boyfriend who started this epic disaster, or a man who lost his life for giving a new life for a pathetic girl, or other people… Cause it always come down to me, it’s about me.
After that, d’ya think I still have any courage to open it again?! No… I’m too coward to do that, it has touched the deepest part of my fear and I don’t think that I can make it, ever… Susaaaah,, bener2 bener susah,, all these times I only have a way to cover them and sometimes I’m tired with my own fake. It’s just too much…though it works. Now, I just wanna to getaway from all this mistakes…

I don’t wanna lose hope, I don’t wanna lose chance, and most of all…I don’t wanna lose any of my precious times…

Just, show me the way and tell me how…