Jealousy

September, twentysomething^th 2007.

My room [21:24 esia time],

People.

I’ve just got home from accompanying Bhas to find some stuffs for his friend’s birthday. He seems so excited in celebrating this special occasion. However, I really knew, he was very sad at that time—maybe more than I could imagine—but he was so wise that he didn’t want me to feel that guilt. Even if he didn’t want me to do so, I still have felt it.

I have no idea what is wrong with them exactly, but I know that ‘dysfunction’ has been occurred beyond my control and even theirs. And now, what’s left is only this guilty sensation. Yeah, I deserve it. It’s me who create a bridge between two dysfunctioned cliffs. What I did wrong was I never realized that a temporary emotion is necessary but it is not sufficient for that bridge. Maybe it could hang on but it could not survive; and in time it would be ruined as it had been before.

Jealousy.

Word which I never could comprehend in my life. Why does God create this kind of confusing sensation? At first, I thought it was only another form of lack-of-confidence. Why do we have so worried about other people taking away what we own? If we were confident and sure that we really deserve it, what else is important? Throw away that sensation and be a confident person in owning what you deserve and what you have now. Until recently, I’ve realized that it is also another form of love. And I, unfortunately, must admit that common people’s thought. When you love someone/ something, there will appear a sense of belonging deep down your heart. And it feels that you possess it it by yourself. And I think it’s so human if you feel worried when you feel that your possession is threatened by someone/something that capable to do it.

[to be continued..]